I didn't even realize

how much I'm really starting over. I thought that I have made a tremendous amount of steps in my recovery from my stroke. Today it felt like I was taking some huge steps back. I've lived in my own little world that has included a few websites, my home and a few trips to stores. Today I went to the Secretary of State office. Holy cow! Talk about confusion. I was so confused. I know the me of the past wouldn't have been so confused but the me of right now was so overwhelmed. I needed to get four cars registered in Illinois. Now, to come to my defense, Illinois doesn't make it easy. You have to have the titles with you ~ not just the registrations. I had to come home to get the titles of the three that we own. My car is a lease and I have to get some documents from the leasing company before I can get an Illinois plate. I also wasn't able to get a plate for Mark's truck because we need a letter or something from GMAC stating that we own the truck and there isn't a lein on the vehicle. Even though we have the title from the state of Michigan, it doesn't matter. Anyhow, while I was there filling out the three forms that goes with each vehicle, I got a little overwhelmed and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It was so noisy and the space seemed to feel like it was closing in on me. I took a deep breath and managed to get through it but it was a close call. It didn't help that I forgot my reading glasses and was having trouble reading the VIN numbers.

Mark has been telling me all along that if I stay this way for the rest of my life, he will be happy because they had him believing that I was going to be really handicapped. I can't even put into words how much I love this man for wanting to stay with me and stick it out especially when I have these melt downs. I absolutely HATE that I struggle with doing some of the simpliest tasks. This puts so much pressure on him to take care of things. I really want to take care of things like I use to. I honestly do. I'm trying. I'm taking that one step at a time. Sometimes those steps are so small that I get frustrated.

I feel like I'm starting over with finding out who I am now. I'm certainly not who I was....which can be a good thing. lol I feel pretty pathetic snapping at Mark on the phone in the Sec of State office because it was so loud. I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on him. I put one more thing on his shoulders. He has enough on his plate with his job right now.

So, back to what this is about...... I didn't even realize how much I'm really starting over. I'm starting over as someone different from who I thought I was. I'm not complete yet. Perhaps over time I will get better about handling some tasks. I've come really far physically ~ it's those mental steps that really need some help.